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Be a Great Mum: Teach Yourself

Be a Great Mum: Teach Yourself

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The biggest issue facing mums is anxiety over whether they're any good at raising their children. I define this issue as ‘parenting confidence’. It affects everything from potty training to choosing a school, helping with homework or wishing your kids would listen to you. Mothers are brilliant at thinking or even telling others that they're not very good at parenting. They readily dismiss what is OK or even brilliant about their parenting ability.

We are surrounded by ideas and advice which can help, but it can also undermine our view of our own unique talent to raise our children as we see fit. The pressure we place on ourselves – and the pressure that society puts on parents to turn out bright, perfectly behaved and happy children – is huge. So it's not surprising that our confidence is easily knocked and our anxiety levels rocket. All the books, websites and parenting gurus can never be better than you because no one else will love your children like you do. The expert on your family is you.

I believe that mothers (and fathers too) are doing the most important job in the world: raising the next generation. And yes, it is a hard job, and to do it well takes patience, imagination and also some material resources. But your kids don't expect you to be perfect and the best things you can give them do not come with a barcode.

Ask yourself, what kind of mother do I want my children to have? Aim for qualities or values that you really want them to remember you for, and equally, that are achievable. Decide how you want to live out these values in your family and what you want your family to stand for. Most of all, turn off that critical inner voice that wrecks your confidence – tell yourself it's OK not to be perfect.

Insights

  • As a busy parent, finding time to read books can be hard. Investing a few minutes to decide how you want to read this book will help you focus on what is really important to you. The best goals are specific, measurable, realistic and within the goal setter's control. When you have reached them, you will be inspired to create new goals instead of getting stuck and lacking motivation.
  • Decide what confidence means to you. Learn to recognize the areas of your life where you feel confident, so you can identify how you feel, think and behave when your confidence is high. It might be as a mother, or if you find that difficult at the moment, try to identify another part of your life where you feel confident.
  • The responsibility of motherhood is huge. So we decide we need to know as much as possible about how to raise our children. We are surrounded by experts, books and websites telling us what to do, but does that help our confidence or just confuse us? Knowledge is useful, but not at the expense of your confidence in your own judgement, skills and unique position in your children's lives. Motherhood is about a multitude of skills and intuition and mothers want to do the best they can… but just look at the job description.
  • Confidence is changeable. Accept that sometimes you will feel strong, capable, fun and in control, and at other times, you will feel like the worst mother in the world.
  • Our inner feelings about our mothering affect our confidence levels. When we pay attention to the negative feelings, our confidence plummets. Focus on the kind of feelings you want to have about yourself as a mother, not the ones you don't want.
  • You can make a difference to how you feel on the inside by building some confidence-boosting actions into your daily life. Small, easy-to-achieve actions that create a significant positive shift for you are what count.
  • Stop criticizing yourself and noticing all the things you think you are doing wrong. Focus your energies instead on your strengths as a mother. We can never do enough for our children, so why try to reach an impossible target?
  • The world is full of unasked-for advice. You choose what you pay attention to, who you listen to and what you act on.
  • Look at the headings that follow and remember that although all are key areas to boost your child's confidence, the most important one is to love them unconditionally.
  • Top tip Give up saying don't and replace it with do .
  • Make sure you have a clear understanding about what values are and how they affect your feelings and behaviour.
  • Our values are formed early in childhood by watching and experiencing what is important to our parents. Later, other influential adults, such as teachers, activity leaders, religious leaders and heroes, also influence our values. In the same family, siblings can develop different values. The character of the parent influences how their values are expressed. An aggressive parent will shout, a passive parent will give in or whine.
  • Our values are expressed in every area of our life, not just parenting. They change over time as our passions and interests come and go. They change as our children grow up and their needs change too.
  • Be clear about the difference between values and beliefs. Values are your moral drivers, beliefs are what you believe about yourself and usually start with ‘I am…’ or ‘I am not…’.
  • Identifying your own values, especially your top three, is essential to help you understand where your behaviour, thoughts and feelings are coming from. We can only make changes when we acknowledge this first.
  • Understand how your values drive your behaviour, but acknowledge they may not be the only driver. Different circumstances, your mood, who is involved, how much time you have, your energy levels and so on will also influence your behaviour – good and bad!
  • Make time with your partner to talk about, appreciate and understand your different parenting values. If you are no longer a couple this can be hard, but see what you can agree on so your children experience consistency if at all possible. Sadly, for many families, partners can be hostile to agreeing values with their ex. If this is true for you, find age-appropriate ways to reassure your children that although different rules apply when they see their dad, they are still loved by both of you and you wish to have your values respected when they are with you.
  • Live out your values in ways that don't harm others. Our children will pick up what's important to us because of the power we have as parents. It is part of the parent's job description to explain the difference between right and wrong to our children, not just hope they will pick it up somehow. When we are consistent and live out our values in ways that make sense, our children are more likely to respect them. We are not perfect, but we can explain why something matters to us, however illogical it may seem. We can also apologize when we overreact or perhaps react in ways that confuse those we live with.
  • Mothers constantly try to balance the needs and wants of everyone in the family. That in itself is a full-time job. In addition, there are many other relationships of varying importance which she will think about and try to find the time and energy to maintain.
  • Make time to identify your values around family relationships. Evaluating how happy you are in that relationship will help you decide what you want to change and how you want to do that.
  • Putting your needs first is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your family. Some mothers find this much easier than others. If you are doing something for yourself, never spoil it by allowing guilt to take over.
  • It's everyone's responsibility to maintain the relationships in the family. Having a shared family vision will help you all to solve issues, but you need to take action and create a family vision first. If you can, hold a family meeting where opinions can be aired in a non-judgemental setting before agreeing action(s).
  • Family meetings are a great way to resolve dilemmas and clear the air in a way that allows everyone to be heard. It's essential to keep them light, to the point and productive so that they are rewarding, and not an opportunity to alienate your children by lecturing at them.
  • Top tip It's no good putting up inspirational fridge magnets and hoping someone takes notice. You have to translate the fridge magnets into the daily stuff of family life.
  • Identifying your kind of parenting style, especially under pressure, will enable you to know what style of parent you would prefer to be. We would all love to be assertive, and it's normal to have days when you resort to shouting or giving in. Keep in mind the features of the assertive parent you want more of and look for ways to acquire them.
  • Family dynamics are affected by many things. It's not just your job to keep the family happy. Upsets in families can create scars, but they can also bond you together and offer learning too.
  • Many mothers I have coached say their partner often comes last on their list and they feel very guilty about that. If you run the family diary, keep some time for each other. We would all love to think our partners will notice that it's been months since we had time together, but instead of feeling resentful that it's you booking the babysitter, focus on the benefit of getting out and recapturing that connection between you.
  • Deciding whether to return to paid work or not is never just about the money. Many factors come into play, and they will change according to how many children you have. It's a big decision, so take your time, know your rights and follow your heart if you can.
  • Top tips ﾠ Take your time to make any decision about what you want to do and don't underestimate how different you might feel once the baby is born. Above all, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I spent years feeling second best and guilty for not working, but now I think that being a mum is the most important job in the world – and I don't care what anyone else thinks about me! ﾠ ﾠ -- Jackie, mum of three, 13, 11 and seven years old ﾠ I was 37 when I had my first child. I decided I wanted to look after her myself rather than pay for childcare. I had been working for nearly 20 years and domesticity was enticing and a new experience. ﾠ ﾠ -- Jenny, mum of three, 12, ten and eight years old
  • There are many things to consider in deciding to be a full-time mum, and whatever you do decide, you might want to, or have to, change your mind. Pay attention to your feelings, not just the need to earn money. Look at what other full-time mothers do – what their life is like – to help you decide if it's right for you.
  • Having good and bad days as a full-time mother is normal. It's how you deal with the difficulties that counts.
  • Top tip Lonely? Lacking confidence? Bored? Investigate your local mother and toddler group. It could be just up the road, or there are loads of internet groups where you can share and support each other 24/7 from the comfort of your own home.
  • If you don't address your challenges, you will carry on getting the same old feelings, thoughts and behaviours that drag you down. But we need to acknowledge them first before we can make changes. There is nothing wrong with not liking some or all parts of being a full-time mother, but it's a sign of strength to own up to what you find hard so you can do something about it.
  • None of us can see into the future and know what will happen to us, so it's really important to focus on the joys of full-time motherhood to help you make the most of every day. As each day passes, it's one less day that you will be spending as a full-time mother and one day closer to the time when you may change your mind, for whatever reasons, and return to work. There may be another reason that means that full-time motherhood will not always be possible, as my friend Lynn found in her heartbreaking situation: I have breast cancer and the prognosis is not good, so right now I am doing everything I can to spend time with my children while I'm still around.
  • Young children and clean tidy houses are likely to be polar opposites. Keep housework in perspective and avoid driving everyone mad by insisting on keeping the house like an interiors magazine. Sometimes, doing the laundry has far more appeal than bathing your kids, but the laundry will always be there and your lovely children needing your time and help won't be.
  • Expand your identity outside of being a mum. Take up a hobby, be a volunteer, keep up with old friends, and everyone, especially you, will benefit.
  • The interesting thing with these challenges is that they are probably all in your head and not necessarily based on fact. This is largely down to the first challenge on the list, which is confidence. Acknowledge what your barriers truly are to returning to work, so that you can do something about them.
  • Finding a job to suit your needs, your children's as well as those of your career or employer, will be easier if you are open and flexible to new ways of working. According to a 2009 survey by www.workingmums.co.uk 54 per cent of mothers would accept a less well-paid job in return for flexibility.
  • Invest in time well in advance of returning to work to identify the qualities that are really important to you about working. Practise imaginary scenarios. What would you do if your childcare let you down, or your child was ill or you had to go away on business.
  • What skills have you been using that will serve you well in the workplace and ramp up your confidence? It's easy to let your confidence suffer after being at home with children, but remind yourself of all the skills you have acquired by running a home and a family.
  • Having a child will give you the highest highs and the lowest lows so it's natural to have all kinds of powerful feelings about being a working mum. Be gentle on yourself, especially in the initial few weeks of returning to work.
  • It's easy to be dominated by guilt as a working mum. Focus instead on all the benefits to you and your family, not just financial, that come from you working.
  • It's tempting to use the evenings to catch up on e-mails and other admin, but doing this every night is a shame. Try to ring-fence evening time when you can do something else that you would love to do.
  • Instead of putting up with pressures at work, or having unrealistic ideas about what you would like to change, take control of what you can change for the better, then make it happen.
  • ‘Work–life balance’ is a common phrase which I feel implies a compromise in both areas. Finding ways to make you happy when you're at work and when you're at home is a great use of your time and imagination, and everyone you love will benefit.
  • On aircraft safety demonstrations parents are told to fit their own oxygen masks before fitting their children's. Why do you think this is? Oxygen for you will mean you are fit enough to save your children. It's very hard to remember this in day-to-day life, but ignoring your own needs long term can lead to exhaustion, illness and depression.
  • Modern family life is hectic and some stress is inevitable, but too much is no good for you or the family. It's exhausting being stressed, and being tired and emotionally drained makes daily life much more demanding. Holidays are often where we feel relaxed and the pressure is off, so the question is, how can we find ways to reduce the pressure when we're not on holiday?
  • The role of the parent has changed over time with greater income and technology which is meant to make our life easier, but does it? Also, your role will change as your children grow up. Sometimes mothers feel they were better at raising toddlers compared to teenagers, but it's easy to see the past through rose-tinted spectacles. Raising children has joys and challenges at every stage, and for each generation.
  • Notice how easy it is to identify yourself in relation to someone else. Hang on to, or take steps to reclaim, that part of you that is uniquely you, to strengthen your confidence and demonstrate to your children that you have your own identity.
  • Find ways to bring back what you love to do into your life, or find a different way to meet the same need. Alternatively, try something new – doing something completely different can be an instant energy boost.
  • The wheel of life can be redrawn around one part of your life, such as work or finances. It's a great way to see a snapshot of that part of your life and what changes you want to make to move towards how you really want it to be. The best goals are a stretch out of your comfort zone, but also within your control and properly defined with a timescale.
  • Learn to say ‘No’ sometimes and not feel guilty. Identify when you are allowing events outside your control to increase your stress levels so you can opt to stay calm and rational instead.
  • You can take control instead of letting stress control you. Explain this to your children too in age-appropriate ways, so they grow up noticing how you deal with stress effectively.
  • The word ‘treat’ implies something that is rare – but for busy mums, who pack in so much every day, a daily treat is essential.
  • The first step is to identify the reasons for the behaviour. You can't change what you don't acknowledge, whether you are the child or the parent.
  • You will have plenty of practice over many years to understand behaviour – yours and your children's. Communication, self-esteem, feelings or boundaries are usually the triggers to a need not being met – sometimes it might be a combination of things or it feels too difficult to work out why a particular behaviour occurs. It can be much easier to revisit an ‘incident’ when the feelings have subsided, to establish what the cause was.
  • Remember that our own set of values will also determine how we react to behaviour, plus those of our partner. If respect is a crucial value to you, your child answering you back will be a big problem, whereas your partner might be happier just to ignore it and not be upset about it.
  • Top tip A teenager came home from school one afternoon. She slammed the door and threw her bag down and stomped out to sit on the back step. Her mother was exasperated and couldn't think what to say or do. She went and sat next to her daughter and said nothing. They sat in silence together for about 20 minutes. Then her daughter got up, and said ‘Thanks for listening, Mum, I feel much better’.
  • Listening well to someone is one of the greatest ways of helping them solve their own problems and feel loved and accepted. Practise listening without interrupting the speaker. Notice how often the voice of judgement in your own head is louder than the voice of the person you are listening to.
  • Top tip The word ‘No’ carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows when to say ‘Yes’.
  • Parenting is not easy and to do it well you need to use a mixture of skills, experience, and common sense, and a lot of love, patience and a sense of humour, over many years!
  • We would all love to be an assertive parent, but in a typical day, you might find you exhibit the whole range of parenting styles. Be aware of the assertive style features and what kind of a parent you want your children to have.
  • Our own physical and emotional needs have a big part to play in our ability to deal effectively with our children's behaviour. Many parents seeking help when they find their children's behaviour problematic find that by sorting out their own needs and parenting style, their children respond well and the challenging behaviour subsides.
  • Your relationship with your siblings, or being an only-child, will affect how you treat your children and their relationship with each other.
  • A new baby is a wonderful thing but not necessarily for the older children in the family. Their behaviour may deteriorate as they try to make sense of what has happened to their family and deal with strong feelings such as jealousy and guilt, perhaps something they have not experienced before.
  • Sibling squabbles are normal, so decide what level of squabble is going on and what you can ignore before being sucked in to sort out every battle. It's impossible to be fair as that implies people are the same when they are unique. Create house rules and expectations of how to treat each other instead.
  • Top tip Parents have the power to view their children with fresh eyes and free them from being role bearers.
  • Respect a child's individuality. Don't expect the same behaviour, level of responsibility, talents or personality at each age and stage.
  • Pain and difficulties will strike all families at some point. It's a sign of strength to ask for help when this happens and you are not expected to be the perfect parent, coping brilliantly. Wanting to protect your children from pain is natural, but decide how and when you are going to pass on the truth of the situation before they find out from someone else.
  • You love your child and want the best for them, so it's natural to feel guilty about leaving them with someone else, even a doting grandparent. Paying attention to guilt can be very destructive, so turn your energies towards finding the best possible childcare you can afford and the benefits of what you can do with the time away from your child. Children have much to gain from the care of others too.
  • The quality of childcare provision varies enormously according to location, costs and ethos. Aside from relatives or friends, the best options fill up quickly or have long waiting lists. Allow plenty of time to do your research to find the best solutions for you and your child. Leaving it to the last minute means you might have to accept, out of desperation, the kind of childcare you don't really want.
  • A clash of values between you and your child-carer can cause anxiety, and guilt creeps in. Equally, keep an open mind about what your child-carer contributes to your family. You will always be the most important influence on your child, especially in the first ten years.
  • Take care of the carer! Think how important her job is and what employing her allows you to do, and how much all that is worth to you.
  • Aim for high hopes and low expectations at drop-off and pick-up times. Parents and children can feel stressed and emotional and you may feel like having a tantrum, so take care of your own needs so you can be the adult.
  • Choosing schools requires time, knowledge, skill and a bit of luck. Over time, you might need to rethink your decision if your child's needs change, or your circumstances, or the school itself becomes no longer suitable. Keep your own battery levels topped up so you have the energy and the time to put into this important process.
  • Thank/praise teachers – they are doing an incredibly important job and they need to be rewarded and not just contacted when you have a problem.
  • You get to choose your friends but not your family.
  • Friends will be a source of joy and at times pain to your children. They are a natural and important part of growing up. As mothers, we are influential in the way our children make and keep friends, and the effort you put in now to teach them the basic rules of friendship will help them to develop into kind and valued friends themselves, whatever their age.
  • You are your child's greatest teacher. Keeping spaces in their week to just be at home or even get bored is an act of imagination on your part, and in turn will develop theirs.
  • Running a family is a never-ending process involving the heart, the mind, the diary and the wallet. Good days and bad days are a normal part of family life.
  • Mothers who work find they are great at managing their time at work compared to when they are at home. What ideas do you have to manage your time in any part of your life that could be useful to implement at home?
  • Food in families equals 21 meals a week over however many years it takes until your last child leaves home minus any days that someone else cooks, isn't at home or is ill. That's a lot of shopping and cooking and washing up, so it's hardly surprising that mothers want a day off sometimes!
  • In previous generations, a mother's feelings were not talked about, let alone given support. Emotional intelligence is good for all of us, especially mothers, as burying how you feel is likely to make things worse, not better.
  • Labels limit people from reaching their potential. Imagine how much undiscovered talent there is in the world because people were labelled when they were children and therefore never did take up an instrument (‘You can't play a note’), a paint brush (‘You're no good at art’), or show kindness (‘You're always mean’) or enthusiasm (‘You'll never succeed’).
  • Encourage your children to help with shopping, cooking, serving and clearing up. Aim for a ten-year-old to be able to cook a meal once a week. Pasta and a jar of sauce is fine; the point is to involve them in food and nutrition. You can thank them for their efforts and they will feel good about themselves too. Don't expect schools to teach them how to cook.
  • There are many benefits to being a bit more organized. One could be that mothers who know where to find things and pass this skill on to their children probably shout a bit less than mothers who don't.
  • You expect your children to change over time, but we often overlook the fact that we change too. Your values and skills will develop with experience and as you get to know your children, you will finely tune your expertise according to which child you are dealing with – an act of love and care.
  • Investing time in imagining how your children might turn out, and what your hopes are for them, will alert you to how much you want to bring some of those hopes into the present. For example, hoping your children will look back and remember that their childhood home was full of laughter can start today by making sure you have a laugh with your kids.
  • In their own way our parents were hoping our childhoods were happy, even if it didn't always feel like that to us.
  • Children change over time and it's normal to find some stages more fun than others. The mum who loves sand and water play with toddlers is not necessarily as keen on going to pop concerts or football matches with her teenagers.
  • Instead of comparing yourself to other mothers, what can you learn from them and apply to your life? Focus on being the kind of mum you want to be, instead of feeling hurt, resentful, a failure or no good. Don't tell yourself that everyone else seems to be better at being a mother than you are.
  • It's absolutely fine to be honest about what you do and don't enjoy doing with your children. If you have a partner, see each other's different approaches as strengths, which means your children experience different kinds of fun.
  • As well as being a fun mum, be a family that has fun for free, indoors or outside.
  • One day your children are likely to have their own families and make choices, just like you have, about whether to carry on with family traditions or invent new ones. Once they are adults, there is no guarantee you will always spend Christmas and special occasions together, so enjoy them while you can.
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